Relationships are often our greatest sources of joy—but when we feel disconnected, they can also bring pain and frustration. Over my years as a therapist, I’ve witnessed the profound transformation that can occur when couples recognize and break free from the negative cycles that keep them stuck. Inspired by the work of Dr. Sue Johnson, creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), I’ve seen how even the most strained relationships can find new hope and connection.
Every couple has their unique dance—moments where they step in sync and moments when they trip over each other. When our emotional needs feel unmet, these missteps can turn into painful cycles.
Dr. Johnson identifies common patterns, like:
- The Protest Polka: One partner pushes for closeness, while the other retreats in fear or overwhelm.
- Freeze and Flee: Both partners shut down, leaving unspoken feelings to build walls between them.
- Find the Bad Guy: The blame game takes over, and arguments become about who’s at fault rather than how to heal.
I often tell couples that these cycles don’t mean their relationship is broken—they’re simply a call to reconnect. Beneath the anger, silence, or criticism lies the same tender longing: to feel valued, loved, and safe.
Dr. Sue Johnson beautifully describes love as a safe haven. At our core, we all seek emotional safety—a connection where we can be seen, heard, and accepted. When couples recognize that these cycles are not the enemy but a shared struggle, they can begin to transform conflict into connection.
Take the couple I worked with who lived in the Protest Polka. She constantly sought reassurance, feeling anxious and unseen. He withdrew, overwhelmed by her demands and his own fears of failure. Through therapy, they uncovered the tender truths behind their behaviors. She wasn’t “too needy”; she just needed to feel close. He wasn’t “too distant”; he just needed to feel safe enough to stay present. Together, they learned to turn toward each other instead of away.
Healing a relationship takes courage. It means daring to name your pain, owning your needs, and showing up vulnerably for your partner. It’s not about avoiding conflict but about navigating it together.
One couple I worked with had been living separately, unable to speak without it escalating into anger or withdrawal. In therapy, they began to see their behaviors not as flaws but as protective mechanisms born from past wounds. Slowly, they learned to soften—to listen instead of defend, to share instead of accuse. Watching them rediscover trust was like witnessing a sunrise: gradual, beautiful, and full of promise.
If you find yourself in a cycle that feels impossible to break, remember—you are not alone, and there is a way forward. Here are some steps to begin:
- Name the Cycle: Recognize the pattern you’re in and give it a name. Awareness is the first step to change.
- Pause and Reflect: Take a moment to breathe and ask yourself, “What am I really feeling right now?”
- Speak from the Heart: Share your feelings in a way that invites understanding, not defensiveness. For example, “I feel hurt because I want to feel closer to you.”
- Reaffirm Your Connection: Remind each other that you’re in this together. The goal isn’t to win an argument—it’s to strengthen your bond.
Love Is Worth the Work
“Love is not a mystery. It’s a process of connection.” The journey of breaking negative cycles isn’t easy, but it’s deeply worth it. Each small step you take—every moment of honesty, every act of vulnerability, every attempt to listen—builds the foundation for a stronger, more compassionate relationship.
As a therapist, I’ve had the honor of walking alongside couples as they find their way back to each other. And let me tell you, there is nothing more inspiring than witnessing two people choose love, even when it’s hard. Your relationship isn’t defined by its struggles but by your willingness to grow through them. Let this be the beginning of a new dance, one marked not by conflict but by connection.
Mani Counseling 
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